Episode 22: From High-Functioning Mum to 6 Years Sober: Sarah Myers on Alcohol, Identity & Being Present

Sarah Myers spent years looking like she had it all together. Military background, career, three kids. But behind the scenes? She was drinking to cope, slowly losing herself, and missing the moments that mattered most.

In this episode, we get real about what high-functioning alcoholism actually looks like, why alcohol is so insidiously normalised — especially for parents — and what it takes to finally say enough.

Sarah opens up about her cancer diagnosis, postpartum struggles, the moment her son made her see the truth, and how she rebuilt her identity, her confidence, and her life from the ground up.

If you're a parent questioning your relationship with alcohol — this one's for you.

Chapters...

- 00:00 Introduction to Sarah Myers and Her Journey
- 02:57 The Struggles of a High-Functioning Alcoholic
- 06:13 The Impact of Motherhood on Alcohol Consumption
- 08:57 Coping with Cancer and Alcohol
- 12:06 The Realization of a Problem
- 14:48 The Turning Point: A Wake-Up Call
- 18:01 Navigating Sobriety and Parenting
- 21:01 The Challenges of Quitting Alcohol
- 23:47 Identity Shift and Self-Discovery
- 27:04 The Insidious Nature of Alcohol
- 29:47 The Younger Generation and Alcohol Consumption
- 33:04 Building Confidence in Sobriety
- 35:01 The Disconnect of Alcohol
- 38:24 Empathy and Understanding in Relationships
- 39:31 Practical Steps to Early Sobriety
- 42:39 Coping Mechanisms and Emotional Regulation
- 46:16 The Importance of Routine and Structure
- 49:40 Finding Personal Time and Healthy Outlets
- 51:10 The Journey of Self-Love and Identity
- 55:19 Surprises of Long-Term Sobriety
- 01:00:54 Advice to My Younger Self
- 01:02:04 Recommended Resources for Sobriety
- 01:04:49 Future Aspirations and Helping Others

Connect with Sarah: @theteetotalermom

If you got value from this episode, don’t just sit on it—take action. 

Like, subscribe, and follow the show—it makes a massive difference and helps us reach more people who need to hear these stories. 

Share this with a mate who needs the truth, leave a review, and remember: change doesn’t happen by accident. 

It happens when you get honest, do the work, and show up for yourself and your family.

Stay real, stay relentless, and keep building your legacy—one choice at a time.

For more hard-hitting stories and practical tools, follow, subscribe, and join the conversation.

Let’s be real: your next chapter starts now...

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:25

Hello everyone and welcome to today's episode. Today I'm joined by Sarah Myers, a working mum of three, six years sober, and a coach who helps women rewrite their lives without alcohol. She goes by the name of the Teetotal Mum, and I've been wanting to get her on for a while now because her perspective is one that I think is going to hit differently for a lot of dads listening. Because when a dad's stuck in that loop, chan there's a woman in his life who can see it clearer than he can. A partner, a mum, a sister, and Sarah's been on both sides of that. So Sarah, welcome to the next chapter.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

Thank you so much for having me. I'm thrilled to be here.

SPEAKER_02 1:09

No worries. Okay, so before sobriety became the center of your world, who were you and what did life look like?

SPEAKER_01 1:18

Oh my gosh. Um I think of as the classic high-functioning uh mom woman. I I worked full-time. I've I've worked full-time since I joined the Air Force at 18. So I was working and raising kids and handling all my responsibilities and you know, still exercising. I'm a runner, so you know, still doing all of the things that I needed to do and showing up for everyone else. Um but, you know, on the outside, I don't think anyone would have looked at me and said, oh my gosh, she's struggling, because it was just all, you know, I I managed everything so well. Internally, though, I was I was just a wreck, emotionally exhausted. You know, I would feel like I was coming apart at the seams, but every day I was showing up and doing all the things that I needed to do.

SPEAKER_02 2:14

This is why I get so much from different people that I speak to, that it all looks fine on the outside, but people never people never know or understand what's really going on behind closed doors, do they?

SPEAKER_01 2:28

Right. And I think I know that's one of the things that keeps people stuck in that in that cycle because because they're still doing everything, so it can't be that bad, right?

SPEAKER_02 2:39

Yeah, they're normalizing it, exactly. Growing up, what was your relationship with alcohol like? Was it everywhere or did it creep up on you later?

SPEAKER_01 2:48

It definitely crept up. It so I grew up in a home without alcohol. My my grandparents both drank, but they were they were very well-to-do, so they didn't drink until five o'clock. And then it was, you know, structured bridge parties and you know, they had a super fancy bar in their home. And and so it it looked to me like something that was, you know, something to aspire to, if you will. My mom, on the other hand, never drank. She's never had a drop of alcohol in her life. And I found out as an adult that that was because of watching my grandmother drink so much. So I really wasn't exposed to it outside of visiting my grandparents until I became a teenager. And I mean, I'm a late 70s kid, I'm old. So we were we were latchkey kids, you know, and I grew up in a small town, so we would leave in the morning and then go do whatever we wanted, which in high school was keg parties by the river and you know, strawberry hill wine, and and so so I became exposed to it in in high school, and and I didn't drink a ton, you know, I think as much as the other high school kids did. But when I joined the military, that was like that was the next step because it was uh very prevalent in in the military. And and it was hard for me to gauge like am I drinking too much because I was it felt like I was drinking the same as everyone else, you know?

SPEAKER_02 4:19

So it was normalized in the military and how old were you how old were you then, Sarah, when you joined the military?

SPEAKER_01 4:27

I joined when I was 18 and I served for eight years.

SPEAKER_02 4:32

So Oh wow, okay. So when did you become a mum? Was that during that that eight years or did that did that come after?

SPEAKER_01 4:40

I didn't. Um I had my son when I was 27, 26, 27. So I kept up that um, you know, to answer your first question, it definitely it definitely creeped up and it wasn't something that was, you know, just like bam, this is an issue. Um I and again, it I had a hard time reconciling, you know, me wanting to admit to myself that I that I thought I had an issue, but also while I'm doing a lot of these things and I'm successful and I'm competent. But when I realized I was pregnant with my son, like that was it. There was no more alcohol, and it was it was just a biological emotional shift. Like that was it. And so I didn't I didn't drink again until after he was born, obviously, and then after I had enough breast milk dashed away so he could have a bottle, and then and it was like game on again. It's like I'd never quit. And so and that was actually an issue for me reconciling, you know, that that it was an issue, that it was a problem for me because why could I quit so easily, you know, and and never think about it when I was becoming a mother, and then you know, after after I'm no longer have this child in my body, then it's like, okay, game on, somebody pass me the wine, give the kid a bottle.

SPEAKER_02 5:58

Yeah, I've heard this from other mothers as well. When they're pregnant and they and their child's inside them, it's not an option. They don't want to drink. That's right. But then when they have the child, obviously they're stressed and they go off.

SPEAKER_01 6:13

Um it took me so long to to work through that, you know, admitting that I this is an this is a problem for me. Because before, you know, the the when we talk ourselves into things, it would be like, well, clearly I'm not addicted to it because I could quit so easily then. Um you know, why are these cravings so bad now?

SPEAKER_02 6:34

So how long did this go on for then? Were you trying to moderate? Um I did.

SPEAKER_01 6:41

I mean it went through so my son and my daughter are five years apart, and then and in that time, my my middle daughter, I have three kids, they're five years apart, and then that time it definitely crept back up. Again, though, I I handled everything I was supposed to handle, and and I I didn't let it become so much of an issue that it became an issue, if that makes sense, but but it was was definitely there. Found out I was pregnant with my daughter, same thing. Like that's it. And um it was just the cycle repeated uh with her and then my my third child as well. So um I had Ella, my youngest, when I was it was geriatric, that's what the doctor said. I was thirty I was thirty-three um when I had her. Um no, no, I'm sorry, I was 36. But uh same thing. But after I had Ella, I had a really, really hard time postpartum and my drinking got pretty heavy during that time. I hadn't experienced that with the first two kids. But come to find out, uh, she was almost a year old. I got diagnosed with thyroid cancer. And so that threw my whole world. Um you know, and a whole other cognitive dissonance thing that I dealt with after that was I was drinking to cope with the stress of having three kids and having cancer, but then I'm drinking a carcinogen.

SPEAKER_02 8:13

That sounds like a hell of a lot to be coping with. So take me back to the cancer uh diagnosis, please. What happened there?

SPEAKER_01 8:23

So I was um I had gone with the doctor. I I'd actually gone to a a naturopath. And I was again dealing with with postpartum harder than it was harder for me than I had been with my my previous two. So she ran some tests and um, you know, felt around in my neck and and sent me for an ultrasound, and that's when they sent me for a biopsy because my um my thyroid was enlarged. So I actually still have it. I just had a surgery recently in March again. But it was just, you know, you get the cancer diagnosis and and your whole world tilts upside down. Thankfully, luckily for me, it was treatable and it's not one of those that that I was worrying about losing my life very quickly. So but it definitely made things more stressful for me. And you know, when you're when you're a mom in just in general, everything's intensified. Yeah, everything's the mental load, the pressure of parenting and making sure that you aren't forgetting this and you're remembering that. So all of that on top of now I'm trying to manage my my health and and still work to bring home an income, I turned to alcohol because that's how I had conditioned myself to to deal with stress.

SPEAKER_02 9:43

So you had three children, you were a working mum, and you had the diagnosis of cancer, and you were using alcohol to cope.

SPEAKER_00 9:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:52

Wow. Okay. So how long were you drinking for at at that sort of rate? And take me through um a normal day with your drinking. I mean, how much were you drinking and what were you drinking, Sarah?

SPEAKER_01 10:05

So it wasn't ever anything that that I think would look alcoholic. You know, I I had rules. I think like everybody else had rules. I I I work in a a very important job and a stressful job, but but there are rules around um when I could drink and how much I could drink, and and so I would maintain those rules, but like so strictly. It would be so important to me that I got home by three o'clock because I couldn't have a drink past six o'clock. And so from three o'clock to six o'clock, how many glasses of wine can I drink while I'm making dinner? You know? And so I mean, trying to maintain that that mental struggle to to keep to keep your drinking in check like that, the stress of that alone was just ridiculous.

SPEAKER_02 10:52

So do you think that's from your military background as well, trying to earn that sort of routine? And you're incorporating that with your drinking as well.

SPEAKER_01 11:00

I I think so, yeah. Definitely.

SPEAKER_02 11:03

So, what were you telling yourself to justify this at the time? Can you remember?

SPEAKER_01 11:09

So, so my brain works in like I think visually and and metaphorically, I guess. So, so in my in my mind, there was always a line. And on the one side of the line was my confident, productive self as a mother and a worker and an employee, and the person responsible for taking care of the home and all of those things that I did on that side of the line, and then on the other side of the line was my drinking. And as long as they didn't wash over each other, as long as my drinking never impacted anything on the important side of the line, then I said I was fine. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_02 11:47

Yeah, yeah, it does. It it it's the it's a classic functional alcoholic, isn't it, really?

SPEAKER_00 11:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:54

So take me to a moment or a period where you knew something had to change. What was your rock bottom moment, or was it a series of rock bottoms?

SPEAKER_01 12:05

So I don't have a crazy rock bottom. I I and I'm so thankful for that every single day because it, you know, my life could have gone sideways many, many times. But when I when I quit, my son was my kids all have summer birthdays, so he had turned 11, and then my girls had turned six and four. And I remember looking at him and thinking, my gosh, when did he get that big? You know, that that time period between 10 and 13, their faces change and they they grow five inches. And I remember thinking, like, gosh, I don't I don't remember him as little as Ella. And and I I look I remember looking at my girls and thinking, am I gonna am I gonna miss out on them, you know, as well? And it it just really struck me how because we lie to ourselves. We lie to ourselves and say that everything's fine, and we lie to ourselves and say that um the drinking isn't impacting anything, but it is, it in it impacts everything. And even even a glass or two of wine, it it numbs that edge and it ruins your ability to be present in a moment. And I I wanted to be present for my kids. I wanted to to remember my youngest at four. And not that I was blackout drunk the years prior or anything like that, but but it the longer that you sit in that spiral and and you're in that constant fight with yourself in your brain, you don't have the opportunity to be present and joyful in your in your life. So I spent so much of my son's early years in that inner turmoil that I didn't want to do that and look at my daughters and him, you know, when they're adults and think, man, I I really fucked that up. You know, so that was that was it for me. So again, it's not a huge crazy rock bottom, but it was definitely a point where I had to to be honest with myself about how I was showing up in my life.

SPEAKER_02 14:05

Like a big realization, just out in the blue, just yeah. I mean, it had been building up, but but there was a sort of moment where you were like, right, I don't want this for my daughters, where have the years gone? My son's growing up, he's changing.

SPEAKER_01 14:19

Exactly. I've got and I thought too, how am I going to teach my kids that something is is wrong or dangerous if I'm if I'm doing that? And there were also I I dealt with some anxiety there, and so I would be I was truly worried like about what if something happened to my kids and I wasn't able to help them. You know, I came home drunk from a date and one of the kids was hurt or choking or sh or anything could have happened, and I wasn't physically and mentally in a space where where I could help them. So it was just it was a real wake-up call for me.

SPEAKER_02 14:58

Yeah, I've uh I've had moments like that. I remember uh I was drunk one night and my daughter cut her hand and um I panicked and I I drove her to the hospital instead of calling an ambulance and and I was over the limit and I'll never forget that, so I can really, really resonate with what you're saying.

SPEAKER_01 15:19

Yeah, it's terrifying, right? As a parent when you look back and you're like, oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 15:24

Yeah, I know, no, it it it is scary, but um yeah, you look back and you yeah, and it it it's hard not to be judgmental and you know, I I'm not gonna come in here and say all parents shouldn't drink, but there were a moment of course, but uh obviously there were moments when yeah, um I think you've gotta be responsible, right? And you have these like like a wake-up call.

SPEAKER_01 15:46

Yeah, and and it's and again, I'm also not saying that that no parent should drink, but but anyone who's drank alcohol consistently knows that that that line gets washed away very quickly as to when you're okay and and when you're not okay. And the decisions that that we make when we're not okay can be life-changing in a bad way. For not just us, right? Our children and our families.

SPEAKER_02 16:15

Yeah, definitely. That's that's why I specifically like helping dads because I think um a lot of them can relate to a lot of the content that I put out.

SPEAKER_00 16:24

I love it.

SPEAKER_02 16:25

Yeah, yeah, and and for me, my you know, my kids are teenagers now as well. Um they're be they're beginning to understand and the whole drinking, socializing thing and stuff. So obviously me now trying to be a better role model, I'm you know, I'm hope hopefully I'm um I'm shining a light on it. Like you said, showing them that there is a different way that you don't need to drink to deal with your problems, to deal with stress, to to deal with boredom, you don't need to drink to socialize, and there is a different way. There is another way, there is a brighter way.

SPEAKER_01 16:57

I'm very open with them too about you know that I used to drink and and I'm open about the reasons that I don't anymore. Um and so my son, he's 17, he actually graduates uh this week on Friday. Oh wow But but he's he's he's a good kid. I I don't have any worries about him, which don't get me wrong, any he's gonna go off to college and and who knows what what he'll be exposed to. But it but I think I feel like I've given him a pretty good foundation for that. So good job to you as well.

SPEAKER_02 17:31

Yeah, uh that's it as well. It's given him that foundation, I think. But you don't want to be too preachy, do you? No.

SPEAKER_01 17:39

That's that's something I think you tell him too, you know, you're you're you're probably gonna drink, and it's fine. Yeah, you just you have to understand if if you ever feel like hey, maybe this is becoming a problem, then and that's when you address it. You don't think that and then continue doing what you're doing because it'll become a bigger problem uh down the line.

SPEAKER_02 18:00

Yeah, you want to try and nip it in the bud as early as possible, right? And like we were just then, you don't want to have that massive rock bottom.

SPEAKER_00 18:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:09

So walk me through what it was actually like quitting. We spoke a bit about moderation already, but what did it look like day to day as you were trying to quit and you're having this realization and this transition period into sobriety?

SPEAKER_01 18:23

Well, I suck at moderation, so I tried that for many years on and off, and that's just it's not my jam. I'm gonna I'm either I'm an all or nothing person in anything that I do. So it really was day-to-day, and I I I don't want to turn anybody off or upset anybody. I don't subscribe to AA, so I'm not gonna be here saying, you know, one day at a time, but it really was one moment at a time, you know, I get get through this situation. And um, I journaled. Uh I I read a ton of books. I'm I'm a big reader, so I read a ton of memoirs and you know, I talked to people, but the biggest thing for me was was focusing on being present, uh, because it wasn't anything that I had done before or or that I was comfortable with. And so I the mantra in in my head was I need to be comfortable being uncomfortable. This is uncomfortable, this is supposed to be uncomfortable. And instead of running from it or or trying to shut it off or tone it down like we'd previously do with alcohol, right? Just I'm gonna go have a drink and not think about that. Um it was basically me calling myself to the carpet, like, no, this is we're we're gonna get through this and this is gonna be fine. I I had the holidays, I quit right before Christmas, so so I was very focused on, you know, Christmas and making sure that Christmas and New Year's was good for my kids. But then we went straight into COVID. So it was December of 2019 and COVID hit. And I can't tell you, Luke, how thankful I am that I got sober right before COVID. Because I was like, look, I would see, you know, on social and I would talk to my friends and I would see the you know, people that that drank socially before or just drank a little bit before, and I would see how much they were drinking. And I was like, man, I I would have gone side I would have gone off sideways off the the deep end, you know. And I had the opportunity to be home with my kids during that time um because of my health stuff. So I I was very, very grateful for for that because I was kind of cocooned at home. I was with my kids. I um and and they were I I don't want to say my kids were the reason. Um they were definitely the the reason in the beginning. Um sobriety is something we have to do for ourselves eventually to make it uh not to make it stick, but to get to get to the point where that's who you are. Um it has to be through you.

SPEAKER_02 21:01

But yeah, I can really relate to that. Uh my drinking really escalated in COVID. We got a hot tub because we had nothing to do, and we ended up buying a hot tub and we were drinking shitloads in this hot tub, uh Rum and Coke's. That was my drink. I remember it clear as day, Captain Morgan's Rum and Coke, but and and you get pissed really, really quick in a hot tub. And uh yeah, we were drinking heavily and that. So so you find it a good time to to well to detox and to and to not drink. So so did you find that because you weren't socializing with friends that that you weren't getting tempted back into drinking?

SPEAKER_01 21:48

Not really. I because I work so much and and I I have three kids, I I didn't really socialize. Like going out and partying was it was definitely my identity in my in my early 20s before kids, but after kids, like that just wasn't what I did. Like my stuff was mostly like home watching movies, you know, we're gonna we're gonna have a drink. We're making dinner, I'm gonna have some wine, or putting we put the kids to bed. So now we can watch, you know, Vikings or whatever show we were watching and and have a drink. So there was definitely I I went through a phase of like kombucha and and sparkling water, you know, it's something to to still feel like I was making something, but not actually obviously drinking. Um I mean it it was messy and it was uncomfortable, but I think it was a a much easier time period for me being cocooned away from that.

SPEAKER_02 22:43

What do you think is the hardest part that nobody talks about going sober?

SPEAKER_01 22:51

I think it's meeting yourself and and the identity shift. Um I know we talk about it a lot but it that means something different for everyone. And for someone who who has always had alcohol as a part of their life and then subsequently used it in the social situations or even even home cooking dinner like it it's figuring out who you are without without that vice. And then figuring out if you like that person or not and then figuring out you know and becoming accountable to the parts that like hey I I don't really like this part about myself. And then you know working working to I don't want to say fix that but but working to change the parts of yourself that you know you you could be better. But if if I had to broadly answer it I would say you know that that identity figuring out who am I without this and do I like myself.

SPEAKER_02 23:53

Yeah so true. So so many people that I speak to they uh I know that well they s say uh they'll break down and say you know I just don't like myself it says uh I'm I'm I'm purely escaping and they can cope and alcohol is such it it's it's a s it's a sneaky one it really creeps up on you and it's pure escapism for so many I think.

SPEAKER_01 24:15

It is and it's and it's it's so hard because it's obviously so prevalent everywhere. You know and it's it's normalized and it's so insidious. It's really difficult.

SPEAKER_02 24:26

Yeah yeah it's definitely a word that gets used a lot on this podcast insidious it really it really is yeah yeah yeah I've heard it so many times it it really creeps in that and it does it I remember I remember it it becomes I've I've said it before on here yeah it becomes it's any excuse for a good time for a bad time to fill in the gaps and you end up you get to a sort of realization where you're drinking all the time and in the beginning obviously you're telling like you said you're telling yourself all these stories, all these lies.

SPEAKER_01 25:02

Right and um and it creeps up and yeah and uh you know there was a something that really shifted with for me there's a book I I'm sure you've heard of it uh Quit like a woman by Holly Whitaker. She talks a lot in the book about the marketing specifically the marketing around alcohol and man that fucking pissed me off when I when I read all of that and and you know you start to put the pieces together and you start to look at the marketing and you realize it's just a you know these companies are making billions of dollars off of the pain essentially of people and it's legal and there's society accepts it and you know it it makes it so difficult for someone who who wants to look at it for what it is and then change yeah and society normalizes it it really does doesn't it and and until I went sober a year and a half ago I didn't realise that all the marketing was that bad but when you come away and you really feel like your sort of eyes are open when you sort of step out of the jar I say you can read the jar and step out you feel like you got got you know you're like what Yeah yeah literally decades and decades of this stuff and um yeah and we norm and we normalise it and it's a number one carcinogen like you said earlier and yeah it's complete madness but hopefully it is going the same way as tobacco has and other things I think it is I think it is I think it is so what do you think about the younger generation obviously Gen Z and stuff they're not drinking as much I love it.

SPEAKER_02 26:46

Do you put that down to them being uh wanting to be healthier or do you put it down to smartphones and people recording each other and stuff like that or do you think it's a mixture or do you put it down to I think it's a mixture.

SPEAKER_01 26:57

You know I talked to my son and um I think that you you know obviously my lifestyle and the things that he sees at home plays a role in it but he's very health focused you know he goes to the gym he cares about his well being and his body and I I think that you know we can look at all the negatives of social media and and the internet and all of these things because there are glaring negatives but but there's also the the positive stuff that they see they see the the fitness influence influencers and the wellness influencers and there's so much more information for them out there. When I was growing up I I didn't even have a phone you know I certainly didn't have a computer and so I didn't have access to a lot of the the health and wellness wellness information that's out there now. So I think I think it's a combination of that yeah when I tell my kids that when I was their age I didn't have a phone they they look at me like I'm a dinosaur I love to tell my kids this story I'll be standing in the kitchen making dinner and you know all three of my kids are on their phones and I'm like do you know when I was a kid there was a phone on the wall and I had to go answer it and then talk in front of everybody. They're like what are you talking about? I'm like it's real that's a real story.

SPEAKER_02 28:15

Yeah I know it's crazy in it and I'll tell them that there was no internet and they're like what what the hell did you used to do?

SPEAKER_00 28:24

How did you do school?

SPEAKER_02 28:26

Yeah how did you do anything it's so funny. So six years is a long time Sarah in those early years were there any moments where you nearly went back and it you know if so what happened?

SPEAKER_01 28:39

I none that none that stick out to me. I'm sure that there were moments but there was I'm really stubborn and so once it was that that click for me so there was there was definitely really uncomfortable times but but every every time I got through that uncomfortable time it built confidence and and there's one thing and we'll we'll probably talk about it later but every day one that we have it makes us trust ourselves less right we we lose we lose our confidence we lose our trust in ourselves and and that also invokes shame right so we go through these these shame cycles of like I can't even quit drinking so tomorrow I'll try it again. And all of those failures if we let them can create a whole new reason that people drink right so I think every time I got through those uncomfortable moments it it created that confidence. And I don't want to say I got addicted to the confidence but I realized man this feels way better than that ever felt the the belief that I have in myself the trust that I have in myself the the respect that I gained for myself felt way better than drinking ever did.

SPEAKER_02 29:56

Yes the fake confidence uh conversation I've had it with so many people they'll tell me that they drink alcohol to make them feel confident. Yeah and it's actually eroding their confidence because they don't feel like they can go into a social situation most of the time without alcohol. So when they're not drinking when they've got a drive or for whatever reason they got no confidence. And it's literally doing the opposite it's eroding your confidence.

SPEAKER_01 30:22

It is and and once you start gaining that that that that I mean it's it's just there's nothing beats it. Being able to trust yourself nothing beats it.

SPEAKER_02 30:33

So when did it stop feeling like something you were just white knuckling and it actually started feeling that it was part of your identity when did that identity start shifting so the cravings were going away and you're like actually this is something that I can do long term.

SPEAKER_01 30:50

Yeah I I want to say uh that first first two years because I had gone previously obviously I had gone years before when I was pregnant and then early early nursing times. So it was it was getting past I guess my longest stint and and just feeling confident. I don't know that there was a day or a time or you know anything that I could pinpoint. But eventually it just became I looked around and my life was so much better so much more peaceful. I mean I and don't get me wrong like I I still you know had marriage issues and I still had had work issues and I I still had all of the things that we deal with all the time but looking around and realizing that I still had all of those things but I was handling them and that I was handling them. I wasn't hiding behind you know a glass of Chardonnay just like that. So probably about two years I think two years.

SPEAKER_02 31:49

Yeah it's it it's going back to that presence in it's having it's being fully present. You can never be fully present when you're drinking alcohol. Because you're not even there are you everything's fuzzy and numbed and whatever it might be and you're just you're not fully present. You're not in the moment.

SPEAKER_01 32:08

Right yeah even even one glass of wine I I know people say well it's only one glass of wine or it's only one beer um I I'll take work trips occasionally and and just you know everybody goes out and everybody drinks and it's you know but but noticing I it just noticing the shift in people and noticing you know you you notice those things and it's like you you can't be fully present.

SPEAKER_02 32:33

You can't be um uh emotionally aware all of those things once you start drinking it's just not possible yeah 100% so what do the women that you work with what do they say about the men in their lives and alcohol what's the thing that the blokes never really hear do you think I don't think the men realize how much women just want presence and they just want connection.

SPEAKER_01 33:00

Alcohol causes such a disconnect within ourselves um and and that creates a disconnect. We can't be connected with other people if we're not connected with ourselves and so the lack of presence and the disconnect is so glaring to a partner and it's it's an emotional thing. So it's you know even if your partner comes home and and they help with dinner and they help with the kids but they have a couple of drinks and and you know that they're checked out and it's insidious. I'm gonna use that word again. It's it's so insidious because again it's it's hard to pinpoint you know you can't say well you just didn't talk to me the way that I wanted to be spoken to or I didn't I don't feel connected. Men that I don't know if it is to you but most men, the men that that I had in my life that's Greek to them. If I say I don't feel connected they're like what does that mean? Like quantify that for me I mean like it's just it it's hard to truly understand unless both people are are sober and then paying attention to the changes when they drink it's such a good point.

SPEAKER_02 34:14

So many women they they want to be listened to what men want to be listened to as well of course they want to be here but but women they really really want that connection and when when you're drinking you are not going to have that connection and I think a relationship is based on communication I say it to my wife all the time I say it to my kids I said you've got to communicate I said you can't can't hide anything you've got to be completely honest you've um you've got to communicate now if you want to communicate you've got to be fully present if you want to communicate properly and you've got got to listen and really connect so I think that's a really really good point what you're saying.

SPEAKER_01 34:50

Yeah so if uh the wife or the partner of the drinking dad is listening right now what what would you say to them that you're not crazy you're not crazy for feeling disconnected to to be able to convey how that feels to somebody who's drinking. And and I would also say to be empathetic because it's it's a difficult addiction to overcome and and it it takes it takes somebody who wants to and be who's willing to look inside and focus on that. So I would say um you know unless it's a an abusive situation and and if it's a relationship they want to change or or keep I would ask them to to be empathetic and be patient but also stand your ground and don't betray yourself and what you're feeling to extend help if they're not going to accept it.

SPEAKER_02 35:59

For any working parents then Sarah that are listening someone might be listening to this and they say that they can't take any time off to focus on getting sober, what does a practical day to day of early sobriety actually look like to them?

SPEAKER_01 36:13

So um focusing on you know for me initially in the very beginning because I'm a working mom of three and I didn't get any time off. Um I remember there were times though Luke that that it was dark enough for me that I felt like man I I need to go away for 30 days and I didn't I can't go away for 30 days. And so I just kept showing up but but in the very very early time it was just small practical things. I protected my sleep I focused on on you know I started paying attention to my body in terms of like how did six hours of sleep feel versus how did eight hours of sleep feel things that when I was drinking I never considered you know and focusing on the eating consistently and and eating healthy foods and nourishing my body. So so it was very physical focused in the in the beginning you know trying to figure out how does my body feel physically without without alcohol and then you know again I I was sober during COVID so if we did go anywhere and I needed to leave early I would just leave early like I didn't owe anybody an explanation. That was a big thing for me in the beginning I didn't talk about it much. I had a a couple of friends that were also quitting at the same time so we talked about it but as far as like out in my social circles I didn't owe anybody an explanation for what I was doing and and I kept that kind of close to my heart. But another big one I've got a little neurodivergent household here so reducing stimulation you know reducing things that if I knew it was going to stress me out and I could get out of it then I got out of it. Like I'm I'm not gonna put myself in in that situation.

SPEAKER_02 37:58

Yeah it's good it's going back to being self-aware I think so many of these things it's being self-aware is but it's it's doing the work as well whether that's listening to the podcasts whether that's reading the books like you mentioned earlier it sounds like you had a big personal development journey in this period.

SPEAKER_01 38:15

I did and I'm so grateful for it which you know I don't know you know people sometimes ask like well if you could go back and change anything would you change anything and I and I wouldn't not not with my journey because it it made me who I am today and I'm really proud of who I am today so when those cravings hit kids are screaming work's been a nightmare what do you actually do?

SPEAKER_02 38:43

What would your tips and techniques for for my listeners be? So then or now well both we can do we can do early surprise and we and we can do now if it's changed at all.

SPEAKER_01 38:55

Um so so in the beginning I snacked when I wanted and like I said I would have the I really really like kombucha so kombucha was a thing for me and I would go but I would go to bed early. I would snine the kids off to to the adult in charge that wasn't me and I would go to sleep. That was my go-to in the very beginning. Able to do that now I would love to do that now but things have changed a bit so it's it's just me. Um but I I've gotten very very good at uh regulating my emotions and um which again is something I'm very grateful for with the with the journey and so I just they call it my seracides, you know I'll take a big deep breath and think about okay what's what's the next thing that I need to happen right now whether that's I need you to clear the table or I need you to go brush your teeth. So I get very not stern but very specific about what I need. Intentional intentional thank you I I couldn't find the words but I but I get very intentional and and that helps me you know stay organized and and run run the nighttime routine in a way that everybody's good nobody's freaking out you know with three kids and really my son he comes out of his room like twice a day so I guess it's two kids now he's a teenager.

SPEAKER_02 40:20

Yeah I think routine's so important and having that structure because when you're drinking and you're chasing your tail you're behind in the day it's this it's chaos isn't it? I mean you're in fight or flight all the time how the hell are you going to regulate your nervous system? How the hell are you gonna stay on top of things you're not are you?

SPEAKER_01 40:38

Yeah. And that and that's something I think that that was helpful is we've always had kind of the same nighttime routine we eat dinner together as a family um and then you know so everybody kind of knows how the nighttime routine goes but it's nice the dinner is a family thing. I know that's not relevant to the podcast but that's something that I I think is fantastic.

SPEAKER_02 41:02

Yeah it is yeah we've um we've actually been working on our house recently here in the Isle of Man and Dynastairs has been working on it and we haven't been able to sit down as a family and have and have our evening mill but recently we have and it's really really nice to have a chat with the kids you know see how their days gone you know ask different questions that we wouldn't normally get to now you know yourself when they get to teenagers when they get older they're hardly ever aro around really you know they're yeah it's like creating their own lives aren't they you know they're going off and doing their thing but it's been really really nice only the last few days and my wife me and my wife will always say oh this is really nice so yeah having that time with them that in that evening routine is really important like you said. Yeah and I still I still look I have moments where I'll sit around and I'm like I am so grateful that that I'm that I'm here that I'm present in this and that this is this is my space so I don't think that ever goes away the the gratefulness for it the gratitude the gratitude yeah so some of the techniques that help you now then Sarah you've mentioned journaling do you do any meditation you said before that you are a runner so obviously exercise is a big part of your routine obviously books and podcasts self-development and stuff so do you do a a mixture of all of that?

SPEAKER_01 42:24

I would say a mixture of all of them I I don't really journal anymore. I would love to meditate if my brain could quiet down for enough time. I keep saying that that's something I'm gonna I'm gonna learn how to do and focus on doing but really it's it's running and taking care of all the things that's my genome you know I I really love when I when I can go through the day and like okay I've got this and I've got this and I've giv this and I've taken care of this and I've checked this off and oh my gosh I forgot this. Um I've got a really busy life so um being being accountable to all of that is is helpful for me. I don't know that you know that would be helpful for everyone but staying busy. How important is run inside it's it's pretty I get up at three o'clock in the morning to get my run in before work I thought I got up early.

SPEAKER_02 43:22

I get up um at five sometimes but yeah free. So so so so you get up so you get up at three in the morning to go running early before your kids get up. Is that right?

SPEAKER_01 43:33

It is yeah yeah and and um I'm lucky I have a treadmill downstairs so I don't run outside at three in the morning and obviously I'm home with my kids so but it's um it's pretty important in my life it's been very good for my mental health it's been you know very good for my physical health but it's it's another one of those those things similar to sobriety in that I'm really proud of the the progress that I've made and proud of what I'm able to do. Look I'm not fast I'm really slow. But for me, you know what when you know when I compare stats, I compare my stats to my stats. I'm not looking you know if you put me out there in a group of runners I'd be like towards the back but I'm proud of what I've accomplished with my body and myself.

SPEAKER_02 44:22

I f I think it's a form of meditation as well. I've been like I'll do a short run like most mornings, pretty much every morning, but I've been trying to get longer runs back in on weekends. And I'll I'll normally have some of my best ideas or like, you know, aha moments or whatever when I'm running when I'm when I'm out there and I'm just left to it. It's it's a sort of a you get a sort of meditative sort of state, don't you? You sort of drift off. Um it's a bit like being in the shower, they say, don't they? You know, you have those aha moments when you're in the shower because it's the only time that you're not distracted by your phone, by work, by life getting in the way. It's your time. It's about having it it it all goes back to discipline, doesn't it, and self-worth and giving yourself that like your own time to fill your own cup up so you can give back.

SPEAKER_01 45:11

And that's what I that's what I tell, you know, anybody who's like, why the hell do you get up at three o'clock in the morning? Like that is that is the one thing that I do for myself. You know, I the rest of my time is dedicated towards, you know, work, which provides for my family. And when I get home from work, then I'm immediately into mom mode and I'm going to soccer or going to a school event or I'm making dinner or I'm going grocery shopping or I'm emailing a teacher, um, you know, or I'm buying school uniforms. So my running is is truly the one thing that I have for myself. And there was a time that I that I think I thought about drinking like that. Like this is this is what I do for myself. This is what I do. So I think to any mom or dad out there that's struggling, finding, you know, you don't have to give up things for yourself, but finding a better and a healthier outlet is what you need to do.

SPEAKER_02 46:06

Yeah, you need to fill the void. Uh many, many people many, many people have have said to me, uh, Luke, everyone needs advice and mine is alcohol. And I've I've said to them, I said, I agree with you 100%. However, it hasn't got to be alcohol. It could be a healthier option, it could be so many different things. You haven't got to keep on doing this thing. Just because you've been doing it for decades doesn't mean you've got to do it, you've got to do it for another decade, another two decades. Right. So you just gotta change you've got that obsession, you can you can flip it. So yeah, it's yeah, it's a tough one, and so many people are just stuck in these habit loops, aren't they? And they and they can break free and they feel that alcohol is just their identity, and they can't they're so scarce, they they can't imagine a life without it because they built up such an identity um around it.

SPEAKER_01 47:01

Yeah. And I I I know for me, one of the the questions that I had to ask myself was you know, when I when I was in the I guess the the beginning of the end of my drinking was why don't I love myself enough to change this? I know it's hurting. I I know it's not good for me. It's it's damaging my self-worth, it's damaging my my physical body, it's damaging my marriage, you know. Why don't I love myself enough to change? And so that was a big question that I had to sit with and and kind of go, I have to work on that.

SPEAKER_02 47:41

Yeah, it's it's definitely a question that all of us who go sober us gonna ask. And yeah, it's about discovering who you really are and and learning to love yourself again. And I think a big thing that holds a lot of people back is they they don't want to change enough to do it, and they'd rather just stay in their comfort zone and just carry on living that same life. And yeah, it it goes it always goes back to the whole identity thing, doesn't it? It's um it's a really, really big part of sobriety.

SPEAKER_01 48:15

They're so afraid, and and myself included, I was in in that in that as well. So afraid of how uncomfortable quitting is because quitting is uncomfortable, changing anything in our lives is uncomfortable. The discomfort of sitting in in the drinking is far greater than the discomfort of getting sober and of quitting. It's it's far more painful and far harder to sit in that spot than it is to claw over to this spot.

SPEAKER_02 48:49

And I always say to people, give it a go. What have you got to lose?

unknown 48:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 48:54

Just I know a lot of people do try January stock October over here in the UK, but I always say that's I don't think that's long enough. They should do at least three months really to really feel the the benefits I felt true benefits after three months. So I remember six months was another one, and I I still I still feel like I'm sort of riding the pink cloud, and I do I do get anxious sometimes thinking, God, is is this energy gonna go away? Because I feel like I got so much more energy now to get things done and I'm so much more productive as well all the time. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 49:30

Um, you know, so it's so much more helpful, you know, even and I would say to people that are struggling and they're like, well, I do a month and I do three months or I do six months and then I went back. Every every single day one is a lesson, whether you have another day one after three months or six months, like you know, at least for me when I would go those time periods and then I would go back to drinking, it it felt ickier, you know, because I had all of that that experience and that knowledge under my under my belt. So every time I went back, I was like, man, this why am I doing this? This is bringing shitty.

SPEAKER_02 50:11

Yeah. Yeah, you learn something else each time, don't you?

SPEAKER_01 50:15

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_02 50:16

Yeah, and you're building that muscle. So long sobriety, like long-term sobriety, Sarah. What surprised you the most about it? Is there anything is there anything that you that you didn't expect?

SPEAKER_01 50:30

I think just how how much more I love myself, you know, and and how much more peaceful my life is. And I've always been high functioning, I've always taken care, like I said, you know, of all of the things. I do all of the things, but but how much how confident I am in how competent I am. And I didn't I didn't expect that I didn't because I didn't know. I didn't know that that was that was the end game or the you know the end result. But it's it's not it's not perfect by any means. I make mistakes all the time. But I think my nervous system isn't constantly swinging back and forth, and I'm not in that fight or flight anymore. And I'm not, you know, second guessing any decision I make because previously, you know, when you're in that that drinking mode, at least for me, I would I would second guess my decisions and and and not be really confident in the things that I said or anything like that. And so I think it's the the confidence um and the self-love that surprised me the most.

SPEAKER_02 51:32

Yeah, it's a never it's a really good point. It's a never-ending journey as well, because and you don't know what to expect, do you? So I think you're more optimistic and obviously um other opportunities are gonna come and your life can go in this way or that way. But when you're drinking and you've been on on that on that bloody treadmill for so long, it's just it's just the same shit all the time, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 51:54

And all the time you just have pointers on and you don't you don't look around and and and see your own potential.

SPEAKER_02 52:02

Yeah, it's the little things as well, just like the bird like the birds singing or the trees and stuff like that. My wife will always laugh at me and say, Oh my god, here he goes again. Appreciate a bit of positive, but um yeah, you do, and even your taste and your smell and everything, it just all gets hyphened. It's just everything where you've been sedated for so long, and then you know I know that sounds really, really full on, but you are really when you're drinking a lot, that is exactly what you're doing, you're numbing everything out. Um everything comes back, but it comes back tenfold, doesn't it? And you're like, oh my god, wow, you know, I've been doing this for so bloody long, and then obviously you were saying before about the guilt and the shame kicks in, but yeah, I mean, what a transformation, and yeah, this is why we do what we do, right? You know, you want to sing it from the rooftops, don't you? Because it can be so life-changing.

SPEAKER_01 52:55

It is, and I'll tell you, you know, I I still do that. Luke, we went out to dinner the other night and they brought the most delicious pretzel sticks. And I was I remember looking around and we were sitting at a high top in in the bar area of the the restaurant, and I was just so fucking grateful for the bre the pretzel sticks. And you know, the the that I was there and and not drinking, and I was I was just it was like you said, it's like everything's highlighted, you know, how how precious our lives are was highlighting. So I still get those random bursts of like, oh my gosh, did you see that?

SPEAKER_02 53:34

And that's six months down the line, um six, sorry, six months, six years down the line as well. So yeah, for anyone lit for anyone listening that is worried about that pink cloud, then yeah, that's great to hear. Absolutely brilliant. So how has it changed you as a mum, would you say, Sarah? And what do your kids have now that they didn't before?

SPEAKER_01 53:56

Yeah, I'm gonna go back to the to the presence. I've I've always been a very kind and and loving parent, but but I went through the motions more before, you know, and and now it's the the the present version of me that's that's connecting with each child. And that's something, you know, if I go we go back to the very beginning of our conversation, you know, my my my click moment, you know, seeing my kids 11, 6, and 4, and realizing that I was parenting them all the same. I was going through the motions and I was parenting them all the same. But they were three wildly different children that require different parenting, different communication. You know, I they re they require a different version of me and and I wasn't giving that to them. I was I was I was loving and attentive and I was going through the motions like a robot. And so now my kids each get the version of me that they need, you know, can connect with with them individually.

SPEAKER_02 55:00

Yeah, it was a really yeah, it is such a good point. It again it goes back to presence and it and it's that focus. You can't focus you cannot focus even with one beer, one glass of wine, like you said earlier. You can when when you're drinking. It ri it really is as simple as that.

SPEAKER_00 55:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 55:19

If you could go back then, Sarah, and speak to your younger version of yourself, what would you tell her?

SPEAKER_01 55:27

Oh I would tell her to keep going. I would tell her to keep going and to keep trying because you know, again, every day one kicks you kicks you down, right? And you you lose faith in yourself. Uh and I would tell her it's not her fault and there's nothing to be ashamed of for so many years. I think it's just been the last few years that alcohol has really been in the spotlight. Prior to that, nobody talked about it. If you said that you were struggling with alcohol, people pictured somebody on the sidewalk with a brown paper bag, and and that is not the case. There are so many people, high functioning people like you and me that hold down jobs and parent their kids and um you know that are struggling. So I I would tell her that it's not your fault. There's nothing wrong with you, and just keep going.

SPEAKER_02 56:18

You're not broken and to keep going.

SPEAKER_01 56:20

Nope broken, not broken.

SPEAKER_02 56:22

You've mentioned podcasts and books a couple of times, Sarah. Um, do you have any recommendations?

SPEAKER_01 56:29

Oh my gosh. Um So the books that that were were very helpful for me. There's a book it's called Drinking a Love Story.

SPEAKER_02 56:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 56:41

Have you heard of that one?

SPEAKER_02 56:43

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I have, yeah. Who's that by?

SPEAKER_01 56:46

Uh Carolyn Nell, I believe. Carolyn. Um she's she's passed away. She wrote the book is pretty old, but it's it's a heartbreaking, heartbreaking memoir. Um Laura McCowan, her book We Are the Luckiest. Um hit me very emotionally. It was it was I felt so seen reading that book. And and I know that these are these are books for women or by women. And then again, the Quit Like a Woman, Holly Whittaker, that one hit me in a that got me pissed off. You know, that one made me realize I'd been fucking had all this time by the marketers.

SPEAKER_00 57:28

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 57:29

Yeah. So and uh gosh, I I have so many. Those are the ones that that come to my mind, though.

SPEAKER_02 57:37

Yeah, yeah. Books have been really, really transformation uh transformational for me. I listen to a lot of audiobooks as well, with not having time to read or whatever. But yeah, and you said earlier something that is it's really important. Social media gets such a bad rap, but I think so many pages on Instagram, like you've just said, the sober community now is really, really booming, is frightening. Um you didn't have that five, ten years ago, did you? But it's really, really changed, and it's a really, really positive thing, but it does get such a bad rap social media, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_01 58:11

It does.

SPEAKER_02 58:12

There's so many good things about it.

SPEAKER_01 58:14

Um, right about when I quit, I think that's when Laura McCowan and Holly Whitaker, they were um teamed up with their Soga program, and and they were really transformational for me. I know they've since um gone to separate separate ventures, but I was lucky to have them out in in social media and and followed along with with what they put out. Which is what I I want to I I don't aspire to ever get to that level. I don't have time for that. But if I could reach one mom, you know, or one dad or or one person and help them, that's enough for me.

SPEAKER_02 58:49

So finally, Sarah, what does the next chapter look like for you and where can people find you?

SPEAKER_01 58:55

Um so uh like I really I just want to help that one person. I again I'm I'm not trying, I don't have time to to coach, you know, 20 or 30 people. I look at some of these pages and I'm like, how do you have time for that? Yeah, I work full-time and obviously with with my kids. I want to be uh a presence that shows people what it can be like and and how I got to where I am and a resource for for women, specifically on my side side for those mothers, those mothers that are struggling that don't feel like they have time, and even the fathers that don't feel like they have time to step away from their families to get help, to show them that you might not have to. So you might you might wake up one day and say, I've had enough of this, and to be someone that can offer them the resources and walk with them to get them there.

SPEAKER_02 59:49

And the next chapter, what does that look like for you, Sarah? Is it just m more of what you're doing at the moment? Um I've um obviously building your um Instagram page?

SPEAKER_01 1:00:01

Yeah, very slowly, because again I Yeah. Um so I actually I have just under three years until I can retire from from my job and I plan on doing that. And I'd like to pursue coaching full-time at all, okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:17

So Yeah, you'd like to give back and help people that were struggling just like you six years ago.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:23

I do, and um it's it's so life-changing when you can help someone um get out of their own way and and then you you watch them thrive and it's like uh it's it's a feeling like nothing else to feel like you've you've helped somebody get their life back.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:42

Yeah, it's true fulfillment. This is why I always say I'm a gas engineer by trade, so I predominantly fit boilers.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:50

And as nice as it is fitting a boiler for someone, it's not quite the same as changing their life through quitting alcohol and going on a self-development journey. There is no feeling like it. So when you get a client that wins and you know, he gets his kids back, he gets his family back. I've had I've had clients, um, kids messaging me thanking thanking me so much, and my dad's a different person, he's changed, you know, he's done this, that and the other. Um I got this. Yeah, I know. Well, I had a message a couple of months ago from a client's son, and I just burst out crying. I was it was I was so emotional. It's like all the all the hard work's paid off. But there is no feeling like it. It is it's incredible. So we just gotta keep on doing what we're doing, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:01:41

Yeah, it really is.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:43

Sarah, thank you so much for coming on today and sharing your wisdom with my listeners. Six years is incredible, and it's a conversation that I think a lot of people needed to hear it, especially as parents. So I'm really grateful that you've come on. The sober community needs more people like you shining your light. So keep doing what you're de uh what you're doing, and I hope you do find more time and you can help more and more people, Sarah.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:06

Thank you so much for having me, Luke. I appreciate the time and it's been a pleasure to meet you.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:11

No worries, Sarah. Thank you. Bye bye.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:14

Bye bye.